Broken

Each moment follows    without mercy
Challenging the resolve to cling to life
It doesn’t really matter, not really,
Nobody cares, no one notices
Smile, smile, smile and pretend
Pretend you don’t care
Pretend things will be OK
Pretend to look forward to what’s next
Pretend to pretend

The pain is not new
It is self-inflicted anyway
So there’s no one to blame
No one to hind behind
You’re not even deserving of pity
Someday you’ll get to die
Someday it will be over
Something to look forward to
After all.

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Speaking

When everything you say is disbelieved
When nothing you say is right
When nothing you can do make things better
When nowhere you can go gives comfort
What’s left to say?
What’s left to do?

Every day the road gets steeper and my back hurts more
By the day, by the week, by the month it doesn’t matter
What a pointless waste of time to sit and wait
Unable to do better than to welcome mediocrity
As better than total failure

I’ve done wrong and harm to everyone I have loved
In that I am not unique, just another ordinary moron
Too afraid to die is not a very good reason to be living
Perhaps I’ve lived long enough.
Maybe the world would be a better place without me.

Who am I kidding?
Who I am isn’t worth living
Who I want to be isn’t possible to be
Who I want to share my life with doesn’t want me
Who is it left for me to be?

Desolation is an old friend who doesn’t give a damn
Regret is a dry meal that satisfies no hunger
Self-pity and self-loathing share the same bed
I gave you every thing you asked for
I kept nothing for myself
It should not really surprise me
The nothing I have left.

All I want is Us
And you tell me time and time again there is no us
It’s just the latest fantasy I have seized upon, you tell me.
You’re the only hope that keeps me alive
I will always believe in you
There’s nothing else.

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Keys

The keys to her soul
Stroked ivories played
To sync her whole
To heal What’s frayed
Should be a role
For which he’d trade
His own soul

His eccentric heart
Taut stretched harp string
Hold tensions apart
Cause his heart to sing
should be her art
To his soul bring
Her own heart

Together they play
Rhythm, melody and rhyme
Sung fresh each day
In perfect time
This is their way
In love, sublime
Hearts, souls, at play

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Voice

Why is there a voice in my head
Telling me nothing I want to hear
It starts when I wake up
And never lets up
Until I fall asleep
And all my dreams are done

Inside voice inside my head
It never shouts out for you to hear
It hides behind a face
That will never face
Another inner voice
With all it’s dreams and life

Stay away, keep out of my head
These are not the words you want to hear
My inner voice will lie
Better let it lie
There isn’t any truth
In dreams that are disturbed

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Father

My father was a great man
Or so they tell me
I can’t really remember him
Just scenes like from a movie you saw as a kid
I was just four when he died
When he fell, when he departed, when his life was ripped from him
By unyielding gravity on that narrow concrete path
Suddenly
Like a descent from heaven to mortality
Suddenly

He sure had a temper, my father
He could yell so damn loud
Your ears would ring and he didn’t stop
Not until you started to cry

He died mad.
I wonder if he had time to be frightened

He always had the best intentions under his rage
Like mother when she beat me with that boar bristle brush
Crying because I made her do it
It was me who made him mad
He died mad at us for being so incompetent
For needing his help

Such a handsome man was he
I never stood a chance to emulate him
He was the saint in our house all the time I was growing up
He was the reason and the example held up before me
Like some precious icon stand-in for a father
The presence from the grave watching me fail

And when our mother died, we had her ashes flown
To be buried beside him, our father who was with us
Every day until she died and then they were both gone
Our dear and departed parents
Who loved us so much every day they lived

So now we’re getting older
Nearer day by day, mother
Closer every week, father

I love you, I know I do, but I don’t know why
I wanted to be you, but it can never be
It isn’t me, never was, never

So I make my peace dear father, dear mother
Knowing at last that it is me that has to make me special
(like it’s some deep revelation!)
Not my father, not my mother, not my country, not my education
Not what I do, not what I write, not what I think
Not my gender
Just me, just your child
All alone, daddy

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Pet me

There is a cat
Sat
On my keyboard
Tail swishing
Pet me
I’m your pet
So why aren’t you
Petting me

She is the cat
That
Is most demanding
Of my time
Feed me
The bowl is empty
It isn’t
She wants more

Love from a cat
Flat
Out is the best
Reward
There is
Overall in life
Freely given
Love me back

Move over cat
Scat
I’m done petting
Need to write
A poem
About a lazy cat
That
Is sitting on my keyboard

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Liar

Liar
Begone
Fabricate a life
To live
Alone
Elsewhere
Liar

Find yourself someone
Other
Complicate your life
Live on
Without
Someone
Liar

Tell yourself untruth
Compose
Pathetic, dead life
Live with
Yourself
Untruth

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Nameless

You walk
each day a fine line
one step at a time
count them
slowly sometimes
faster some days
say your name

You were small
you got bigger
they chased you
you outran them
most days
they called you
they taunted you
say your name

Alone you walked
into a bright world
she took your hand
it was alright
nothing else mattered
we went everywhere
it was Summer
the Spring and Fall
winter was ours
say your name

Together you made
Moments that mattered
arm in arm sometimes
tooth and nail others
it was all good
it was all bad
babies, boys, dogs
just passing through
A lifetime come
A lifetime gone
say your name

Change happens
Transcendence Transformance
Every little day
All through the night
It feels right
It feels wrong
It comes and goes
We make do
We do without
You take
She gives
She goes without
say your name

The crises come
The mountains tremble
the voices rise
the tempers rise
the spirit falls
you face them
together again
separated by distance
carrying baggage
hosting resentment
cradling contentment
casting fear
say your name

The chasm opens
you run ahead
nothing can touch you
her hand in yours
but it’s gone
suddenly empty
instantly alone
you can’t remember
you can’t forget
you don’t want this
you can’t help this
nameless at last
there is no way to
say your name

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Home

Taken
For granted
Stand up
Around the world
Made on Earth

No more
US vs THE REST
Sewn up
The new catch phrase
Planet of origin

How far
To out there
Catch up
Our neighborhood
Home world

Hello
Everyone here
Shape up
The universe sees
Terra form

Take pride
A beautiful day
Patch up
The neighborhood
Global ayes

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Shadow Land

We live in a shadow land, a world of slight of mind and mythology
Our personal spaces are inhabited by monsters, villains, heroes and their victims
We exist in a world of blinders and denial where anything can be real and nothing is real
Rampaging powers understand the composition of reality very well
They use us like pawns in a matrix of make believe
And for every person who sees it, there are a million blind.

It doesn’t much matter who you are or what you believe in your own heart
Nobody cares where you come from or your profession or your race, creed, color or religion
Those are just details where tomorrow is assembled from the wreckage of today
It’s the prophesy of power that casts the dice for every move you make
And it isn’t just women, or lesbians, or transwomen or queers
It’s everybody everywhere in the human tides of illusion and delusion.

They slice and dice us into so many different boxes between them
We are so many things that it is impossible to discern a clear and simple allegiance
Tomorrow you will read the road map differently and find yourself in a different place
You can get so angry you can’t see the sense of not killing yourself
You can get so cold you won’t give the bastards the satisfaction
Either way you go on again into the next wave of misunderstanding.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t see the twists and turns of the maze I live in
It would be so relaxing to just lie back asleep and let them take me wherever
But I can tell the difference between nothing and naught and all or nothing
I have the satisfaction of the wonderful illusion of being free from the common delusion
We celebrate our cleverness together with fresh assumptions based on the lies we like best
Each day another revolution, a revelation, an epiphany, a new sham.

And what is the god damn fucking point of this whole ludicrous charade?
That rather depends on who you are and where you want to go, doesn’t it?
Some people want this answer and some others want that one so hard they can taste it
There were Jews for Hitler and plenty of Nazis who failed to obey their orders
It’s not so much important what we consider to be the truth
It matters what we do with and to others on the basis of what that truth might be.

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