Voice

Why is there a voice in my head
Telling me nothing I want to hear
It starts when I wake up
And never lets up
Until I fall asleep
And all my dreams are done

Inside voice inside my head
It never shouts out for you to hear
It hides behind a face
That will never face
Another inner voice
With all it’s dreams and life

Stay away, keep out of my head
These are not the words you want to hear
My inner voice will lie
Better let it lie
There isn’t any truth
In dreams that are disturbed

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Father

My father was a great man
Or so they tell me
I can’t really remember him
Just scenes like from a movie you saw as a kid
I was just four when he died
When he fell, when he departed, when his life was ripped from him
By unyielding gravity on that narrow concrete path
Suddenly
Like a descent from heaven to mortality
Suddenly

He sure had a temper, my father
He could yell so damn loud
Your ears would ring and he didn’t stop
Not until you started to cry

He died mad.
I wonder if he had time to be frightened

He always had the best intentions under his rage
Like mother when she beat me with that boar bristle brush
Crying because I made her do it
It was me who made him mad
He died mad at us for being so incompetent
For needing his help

Such a handsome man was he
I never stood a chance to emulate him
He was the saint in our house all the time I was growing up
He was the reason and the example held up before me
Like some precious icon stand-in for a father
The presence from the grave watching me fail

And when our mother died, we had her ashes flown
To be buried beside him, our father who was with us
Every day until she died and then they were both gone
Our dear and departed parents
Who loved us so much every day they lived

So now we’re getting older
Nearer day by day, mother
Closer every week, father

I love you, I know I do, but I don’t know why
I wanted to be you, but it can never be
It isn’t me, never was, never

So I make my peace dear father, dear mother
Knowing at last that it is me that has to make me special
(like it’s some deep revelation!)
Not my father, not my mother, not my country, not my education
Not what I do, not what I write, not what I think
Not my gender
Just me, just your child
All alone, daddy

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Pet me

There is a cat
Sat
On my keyboard
Tail swishing
Pet me
I’m your pet
So why aren’t you
Petting me

She is the cat
That
Is most demanding
Of my time
Feed me
The bowl is empty
It isn’t
She wants more

Love from a cat
Flat
Out is the best
Reward
There is
Overall in life
Freely given
Love me back

Move over cat
Scat
I’m done petting
Need to write
A poem
About a lazy cat
That
Is sitting on my keyboard

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Liar

Liar
Begone
Fabricate a life
To live
Alone
Elsewhere
Liar

Find yourself someone
Other
Complicate your life
Live on
Without
Someone
Liar

Tell yourself untruth
Compose
Pathetic, dead life
Live with
Yourself
Untruth

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Nameless

You walk
each day a fine line
one step at a time
count them
slowly sometimes
faster some days
say your name

You were small
you got bigger
they chased you
you outran them
most days
they called you
they taunted you
say your name

Alone you walked
into a bright world
she took your hand
it was alright
nothing else mattered
we went everywhere
it was Summer
the Spring and Fall
winter was ours
say your name

Together you made
Moments that mattered
arm in arm sometimes
tooth and nail others
it was all good
it was all bad
babies, boys, dogs
just passing through
A lifetime come
A lifetime gone
say your name

Change happens
Transcendence Transformance
Every little day
All through the night
It feels right
It feels wrong
It comes and goes
We make do
We do without
You take
She gives
She goes without
say your name

The crises come
The mountains tremble
the voices rise
the tempers rise
the spirit falls
you face them
together again
separated by distance
carrying baggage
hosting resentment
cradling contentment
casting fear
say your name

The chasm opens
you run ahead
nothing can touch you
her hand in yours
but it’s gone
suddenly empty
instantly alone
you can’t remember
you can’t forget
you don’t want this
you can’t help this
nameless at last
there is no way to
say your name

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Home

Taken
For granted
Stand up
Around the world
Made on Earth

No more
US vs THE REST
Sewn up
The new catch phrase
Planet of origin

How far
To out there
Catch up
Our neighborhood
Home world

Hello
Everyone here
Shape up
The universe sees
Terra form

Take pride
A beautiful day
Patch up
The neighborhood
Global ayes

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Shadow Land

We live in a shadow land, a world of slight of mind and mythology
Our personal spaces are inhabited by monsters, villains, heroes and their victims
We exist in a world of blinders and denial where anything can be real and nothing is real
Rampaging powers understand the composition of reality very well
They use us like pawns in a matrix of make believe
And for every person who sees it, there are a million blind.

It doesn’t much matter who you are or what you believe in your own heart
Nobody cares where you come from or your profession or your race, creed, color or religion
Those are just details where tomorrow is assembled from the wreckage of today
It’s the prophesy of power that casts the dice for every move you make
And it isn’t just women, or lesbians, or transwomen or queers
It’s everybody everywhere in the human tides of illusion and delusion.

They slice and dice us into so many different boxes between them
We are so many things that it is impossible to discern a clear and simple allegiance
Tomorrow you will read the road map differently and find yourself in a different place
You can get so angry you can’t see the sense of not killing yourself
You can get so cold you won’t give the bastards the satisfaction
Either way you go on again into the next wave of misunderstanding.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t see the twists and turns of the maze I live in
It would be so relaxing to just lie back asleep and let them take me wherever
But I can tell the difference between nothing and naught and all or nothing
I have the satisfaction of the wonderful illusion of being free from the common delusion
We celebrate our cleverness together with fresh assumptions based on the lies we like best
Each day another revolution, a revelation, an epiphany, a new sham.

And what is the god damn fucking point of this whole ludicrous charade?
That rather depends on who you are and where you want to go, doesn’t it?
Some people want this answer and some others want that one so hard they can taste it
There were Jews for Hitler and plenty of Nazis who failed to obey their orders
It’s not so much important what we consider to be the truth
It matters what we do with and to others on the basis of what that truth might be.

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Gone

She drove away into the darkness of the night
We did not say goodbye
She departed, not without warning and left me wanting
Dearly departed I am drowning in my own life
Wanting to have refrained from the last last straw
Wanting to be near her to smell her hair
Wanting to be close and hold her close to me
All night long

Waiting in the darkness is the loneliest place
Waiting alone and hoping
The next headlamp is hers, passing fast by our house
Past caring if I die
Leaving you trembling with fear and apprehension
Leaving you alternately angry and tearful
Leaving you afraid she won’t come home
All night long

It never really matters how I broke her heart
People do what they have to do
I took from her ever other option she had, other than leaving
While I wait here breathlessly holding my broken promises bleeding
Holding on to the memory of her last words to me
Holding on to the love deep within me
Holding her pain inside me like praying
All night long

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Gender Outlaw

I wanna be a gender outlaw
I wanna wear a big ass pink Stetson hat
But I ain’t gonna chew no tobacco, bub
Perched up there on that great big ‘ol white horse
Riding into town with a big grin
When people stare I won’t mind

I wanna be a gender outlaw
I want people to smile back when I smile at them
But I ain’t gonna join no ladies auxiliary, ma’am
When our eyes meet they won’t look away
I want to get the joke, not be the joke
I’ll shoot down ever prejudice and superstition
I’ll be the hero of everyone in town

I wanna be a gender outlaw
I want the bad guys to be afraid of me for a change
But I won’t jump them in some back alley, mate
And when it’s time to go, I won’t go quietly
I want to leave in my own time and in my own way
I won’t be afraid of no one
I’ll gallop me into the sunset

Yippe Ki Yay!

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Safe

Safety
      is hypothetical
      is assumed by many men
      is doubted by many women
      is the destination of choice
      is deemed worth a ton of grief.

Safety
      fashions who we are
      defines what we do
      bounds where we are and where we go
      justifies our choices and validates our goals
      quantifies our assessments of who we are.

Safety is over-rated
      Risk is over-estimated
The safest life
      Is no life at all

Reality
      is a dangerous place
      requires challenge and risk
      provides equal opportunities for success or failure
      is arbitrary and beyond our control
      leaves me breathless and alive

Alive
      I take chances
      I am often scared
      I feel the danger of every hour
      I beat the odds and master the moment
      is a difficult thing to be, is the only thing I really am.

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