It would have been nice to have been attractive
To be observed as interesting, to have been pursued, to have been desired
And I don’t mean for myself, for who I am, which is not immediately apparent
But to have been lovely, as opposed to loved
To have been, however briefly, a person with a wow factor
I suppose I didn’t need that kind of hit for my ego
Which is big enough for any two any other folks without that reason to expand
Of course mine was the overcompensated inferiority thing I had going on
My defining feature
Deep people always wish they were shallow
Do the shallow ones wonder, I wonder, what it would be like to be deep?
To walk into a room and fail to catch the gaze of people
You do not know, do not care about, don’t care to know in the main
Seems a really silly regret in retrospect in context of a life full of real regrets
We all long for what we don’t have
We fail to value what we have until it is gone and we want it back
Perhaps it is just young and not just beauty that I miss, mother.
My mother didn’t raise any stupid children
We were never given over to fashion or to the obedience to the whims of others
We made our own way, we read deeply and felt deeply, loved and lost deeply
She tossed us in at the deep end
Where we each found out own level and chose our own destinations
Which is never where you end up, but that’s just how life works.
What if her mother had dressed her in frilly frocks and Easter hats?
Could my mother have turned out to be such a different human being as all that
Would I have been brought to see convention as a helpful resource instead of
An intolerable barrier
Would I have fought less and accepted more, like so many others no better than I
Perhaps my current state of serene regret and grateful confusion is just an accident.